Neither of which I had intended to see this last Friday – but I was much better off at night’s end – as can always be with the healing power of the feminine.
After having spent a brief evening at work which had been followed from seeing my daughter excel at her middle school track and field finals – I was allowed a few blessed moments with my beloved friend to talk. Our openness in being able to be who we are in our mutual company is beautiful – but can make for my own suffering unlike what I have described, even here. She is falling into a love from which we may not see her return (to parallel a famous similar quote most have heard a few dozen times), and she has asked for space of which I will abide…but in these weeks I am sure it will be obvious to those that look upon my face if not hidden behind my camera.
To start this night of quotes, she finally summarized why we are where we are with “We are a match, just not the right match”. I believe that to have finally helped me understand through all of this loss, with me never wavering on wanting to be with her these last five years and just never quite getting that sense into my head. I also thrive in the trust we have in knowing neither of us would do anything to endanger her finding a new beloved. And as has been the norm for me, even just being in her presence for a few moments calms all of my senses and I can be serene for a bit.
Setting upon my night with that ominous feeling of quietness and not being able to see the three souls who are my emotional world – made me think to stop at Joe’s just for the background noise. Here is how the new streetlights look from there..
I always look from outside to see if the sweltering dysfunction of booze, bad smells and music is worth the effort, but I did spy a situation befalling a recent widower whom I have known for years as some random dude was working his “magic”. I have only talked with her once since the recent loss of her beloved but I sat down right next to her as to help lessen the blow of rejection for this guy attempting his 5th or 6th line on her – which leads me to remember how quick-witted and self-sustaining this lady is.
Him: Do you smoke? Her: I am trying to quit. Him: Do you want to come outside and have a smoke with me? Her: No. Him: But I don’t want to go smoke by myself. Her (without skipping a breath): Then you should probably quit smoking.
I vehemently do not support nor believe in the comparison ideology that some have imparted upon me of late (ie: it could be worse, at least you’re not going thru that, etc..) – I believe each person’s suffering has the meaning and strength that it does for their own reasons, so please try not to sell those words upon someone you might be consoling with whatever grieves them. Why I bring it up is that when she and I talk, we have both lost our beloveds but in a much more drastic variation…though it does help with perspective in seeing her strength. Her advice to me was quite simple this evening: “…one foot in front of the other, because you don’t have a fucking choice…” Right then I looked upon this omen glaring back at me..
That did help in a way I had not thought of prior, and maybe it will enlighten one or two of those readers experiencing their own sadness. I realized I have already been doing that very action every day, I just was not acknowledging it to myself. I knew her husband as we are all roughly the same age and he was one amazing extroverted personality that had frequented my store. I miss seeing that guy…
I had my big lens on the camera but still took a few close-quarter shots to share and the facebook followers appeared to appreciate them. Her other sharing that evening helped me feel stronger about my self-loathe themes and recovery modes, but the contrast of seeing my beloved friend followed by someone who will never see hers again – gave me the continued will to make sure I tell whomever has my heart, how much they make the world’s fire more kindled and ferocious with their very presence and life force. Look up from your screen right now if you can and tell that partner/beloved/friend/family person that their soul is the light we seek in ourselves…if that makes any sense.